Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.
And dogs are from Pluto.
I have a more straightforward analysis for you.
If there is one adjective that is commonly used to describe the behavioral patterns that our respective genders exhibit over time – it would be:
Men are stupid. Women are crazy.
The late George Carlin nailed it with this quote.
Carlin was one of the few comedians to use his insights on politics, religion, psychology and combine it with his aptitude for dark humor to constructively criticize society, in particular, that of America. It ranged from Republican policy-making (“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money”) to governmental interest in wars (“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity”) to the fast-food consumerist American culture (“When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”)
As a man, Mr. Carlin knows what he is talking about when he says that men can be stupid. As a woman, I can vouch for the fact that women can be crazy. Obviously, not every man is incapable of handling intelligent conversations nor does every woman need to be admitted to the nearest mental asylum; and by no means does Carlin’s quote imply that those specific adjectives are solely attributed to a specific gender. Men can be as much of a whack job just as women can be downright ignorant about certain matters. Carlin also famously said, “Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?” It has a lot to do with our perception whilst safeguarding our own impression.
Carlin’s quote on men and women sparks an interesting debate that would continue ad nauseum. The objective of this post to provide insight into why these two adjectives prevail so that the next time you or one of your buds say something like – “Gosh! Men are such idiots” or “That woman is cray! Ain’t she Jay?” – you, at the very least, know why.
Women are crazy
Are women really crazy because men are stupid? Personally, I think it’s more about a lack of awareness of each other’s differences. Men and women have different anatomies and we certainly don’t think like each other.
If men were more aware about the biological plight and societal pressures that women have to go through, our craziness would seem rather normal.
Let me explain in three easy steps. But first, a quick social psychology experiment.
- A man?
- Having even an inkling of an imagination?
You are the perfect guinea pig for this small-scale study sponsored by the Kremlin, Kim Kardashian and North Korea. Please don’t be offended by my mention of a pig. I’ve tried to keep this post as kosherly halal as possible.
Step #1 : Try to put yourself in a woman’s shoes
Before your mind explodes wondering what type of shoe-icide I am talking about, ranging from a pair of stilettos (where your ass is elevated at a backbreaking angle to the ground) to the fashionably late flip flops – just imagine yourself as having two protruding parts above the waistline and no protruding part below it.
One of my favorite actors, Abhay Deol was asked in a recent interview, “What would be your first reaction if you woke up inside a woman’s body?”
His response was along the lines of “I’d start touching myself.”
The man’s honesty is rather endearing, but if you are reading this post in a public place, I highly recommend you refrain from such activities of enthusing yourself.
Step # 2: Maintenance requirements for your “delicate” looking, yet tough exterior
Now that you are a woman, it is imperative that you start developing an overwhelming tolerance for pain.
Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t blessed with naturally smooth, hairless skin all their life. Truly God must be a feminist because he/she made no qualms when it came to equality about hair; everything is fair after you hit puberty. Men got the “ok” to keep their hairiness intact whereas women got more options to depilate their skin. Lovely end of the bargain!
You must have come across those Veet/razor/laser adverts where the objective of hair removal seems like a self-defeating task given that the selected models have no hair to begin with.
No, Katrina. You don’t need Veet unless you want your armpits smelling like burnt rubber.
Men may not be very comfortable being seen within a mile radius of a beauty parlor. Women, on the other hand, have the comforting privilege to go inside and visit the magical world of hair-ripping, nail[-clipper] biting, blackhead-tweezing torture.
Men, now that you are in a woman’s body – your eyebrows won’t do themselves.
I’ll let you on in a little secret — No woman enjoys going through the pain of threading her eyebrows. Just imagine having a parlor lady breathing onions near your face as she rips off hair in close vicinity to your precious eyes. On the bright side, I still have my vision intact.
Here’s the truth BBC or AlJazeera won’t tell you — Once a woman starts getting her eyebrows done (to emote her craziness better), she MUST continue this practice for the rest of her life; else the new hairs will pop out like porcupine needles and no one would like such a safety hazard walking around in public.
You may wonder — Why do women get their eyebrows done in the first place?
Here’s your answer. As an added benefit, you come out looking 10 shades fairer too.
The next task is waxing.
Again, you may ask – Why do women put themselves in such hair-raising/pull-your-hair out kind of circumstances?
If it makes you crazy thinking about it, we actually experience it.
As women, we would love to walk around in our natural glory. China took advantage of this concept and recently came out with anti-pervert hair leggings to keep lecherous men away — Because we all know women exposing their soft and smooth legs are practically asking for rape. Ask any dimwit politician from India.
Women’s shorts causing road accidents since 1937.
A woman can magically transform herself from Ugly Betty to Betty Boop simply by threading her eyebrows at a parlor and applying a generous layer of makeup. Men, on the other hand, have to stick with what they have. Get it? Stick. There goes my halal threshold.
Dear folks, if you feel self-conscious about your less than average appearance and are ridden with worry about finding a mate, I suggest you work on strengthening your sense of humor and appetite for sarcasm. That’s what I’m doing, as is evident from this post.
I will add that men shouldn’t feel uncomfortable if they wish to visit a parlor and “groom” themselves. I support men’s rights to fairness and depilation. Moreover, obesity is on the rise and many men have enough assets to model their own line of bras. Forget Victoria. We need an Adam’s secret.
Step #3: Get ready for your monthly cycle.
If maintaining your outer appearance didn’t drive you completely mad, the menstrual hormones surely will.
Make sure to reserve [approx] one week of the month to go bonkers on your cycle. But it doesn’t end there. As one of my friends pointed out, we also have the pre-menstrual and post-menstrual issues to worry about so there goes about another two weeks of menstrual mayhem. A better piece of advice would be to reserve [approx] one week of the month to be absolutely free of over-the-top ovarian craziness.
It’s clear why the word “menopause” is called what it is – Because women have to wait till that stage to permanently pause their cycles and achieve that freedom that men have always cherished. Men may continue to deliver their seeds for germination but once a woman pauses, the baby-making factory retires for good.
Is your mind completely screwed up from my mention of a woman’s menstrual cycles?
Here’s a biology 101 refresher:
Those regular cycles are absolutely necessary to be capable of creating a comfortable and healthy environment for a baby to develop once a zygote is conceived.
Imagine barfing from the smells or taste of random foods, or having back aches, or hormonal fluctuations, hot flashes or a hoard of other issues as you strap on a little human being inside your body for close to nine months.
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?
A guy once asked me – “Why did God give all the dirty jobs to women?”
He was referring to our cycles and pregnancy related woes. He might have also been referring to seeing his mommy doing all the household chores and cleaning his nappy for him well into adulthood.
Mister, I don’t need the crutch of a biblical verse to make my point. As a woman, I have the chance to raise one of the biggest blessings of God. When I do give birth, I will have a piece of my heart walking around with little toes and feet and I am more than happy to take on this “dirty” job”. (Pro-choice baby!)
So there you have it men. I gave you a bit of insight on major factors that make women crazy as a species.
Men are stupid
Since I don’t have a protruding part below my waistline, I am not a suitable candidate to discuss what makes men stupid. But having interacted with many individuals who are men, I’ll take some wild guesses. Men and women both have small quantities of (sensitive) estrogen and (sexual) testosterone hormones, respectively. Just like a woman’s fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels have the capacity to put our minds into a thinking overdrive, testosterone can have the opposite effect to make men lose their ability to make full use of their intellect and turn into ‘Hump’ty Dumpty.
Although no causality has been determined, studies have shown that men, who are in love and fully committed to their partner tend to have lower levels of testosterone as compared to their more promiscuous counterparts. Correlation has also been determined between men engaging in extramarital affairs and above average levels of this principal male sex hormone. How the eff do I know all this? Google zindabad.
Now that I’ve addressed biology, let’s talk about intelligence.
In the 20th century, many men contributed to some of the best inventions ever known to mankind, whilst women’s suffrage (right to vote) movement was just starting to gain momentum.
Can you spot the minority? Marie Curie standing out with her radioactive presence in the front row.
With so many brilliant men in history, how can men be stupid?
Well, many men have also been the inventors of some of the most toxic products known to mankind such as atomic bombs, agent orange, and commercialized cigarettes which are highly carcinogenic. Some men consider themselves as the expert on rape, pregnancy and abortion and pass conservative laws to restrict the freedom that women deserve to have on their own bodies.
Some men need immediate help.
Without men, we wouldn’t have acid attacks on women, anthrax used for biological warfare and chemical weapons for mass destruction; heck we could have avoided quite a number of wars in history or even ongoing today.
So there you have it folks.
Men are stupid. Women are crazy.
Better we understand and accept our partners for these intrinsic flaws so as to be in everlasting communion with them, rather than fight about it in a looping debate.
p.s. Did you know that Russell Peters was motivated to become the comedic legend he is because of encouragement from his idol, George Carlin? Well, now you do.
p.p.s. As for the “crazy” woman, we have contributed to our fair share of ideas and inventions as well.
Helen Free (home diabetes kit), Randi Altschul (world’s first disposable cellphone), Dianne Croteau (first CPR mannequin), Gertrude Elion (leukemia fighting drug 6-mercaptopurine), Stephanie Kwolek (inventor of Kevlar), Hedy Lamarr (system to prevent an enemy from jamming signals of radioguided torpedo– used in mobile devices today), Anna Connelly (patented first fire escape with staircase), just to name a few.